My Inner Demons...
Tiffany Roush
Rage Essay
DE English II
9-14-10
Perfectly Content
Those people sicken me, they are hypocritical, they sit here and portray this image of the perfect child, yet I know what they do with their lives once they are imperceptible from public viewing. Lying, cheating, stealing, gossiping, they never needed me in their lives, or so they preach, and I never needed them apparently. They were my best friends, the only thing besides my family that I ever truly ever gave a shit about, but in the end, loosing them was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me.
I have grown rather fond of rage over the past few years of my high school career. It has empowered me, made my skin a little thicker, made my heart beat slower and deeper. I have found the very fuel that pushes me to do better everyday. Although rage is not merely the only emotion that runs in and out of my life, it is just one of the most important ones I deal with everyday. This constant battle with myself and trying to become close with other people again, is very difficult. In the end, I could be close to someone, yet I will not claim them as a quote on quote, best friend or BFF. After everything I have gone through in the past few years, I trust, not even a handful of people. My hearts been broken too many times, the pieces shatter more and more before they get a chance to even rebuild themselves, so now I built walls surrounding my heart, protecting it, guarding it from any certain harm. I may have more friends than I could deal with now then ever had before, but I am afraid that once I graduate, I will leave everyone for a better life somewhere else. To be honest I was hoping that when I graduated I would be blessed just to have one best friend to talk to out of high school, but now I am afraid that that is never going to happen now. My rage, my hatred, and my thanks to those of you who have helped me realize who I am and have helped molded me over the years, here is a little shout out to you!
I'm going to dig deep into my heart and find the worst of me. All of my agony, suffering, rage, sorrow, and cruelty will be released from me, and onto this genuine snow white paper. I've always been an extremely temperamental person, if there were only more words I could use to describe the anger I feel inside, I'd inscribe them all. I hate you, I hate you with every inch of my very being imaginable. I never thought in a million years would I be betrayed by you four people. Say that I have issues and that I am immature, fine I will ignore the fact that I am only human. Say that I meant nothing to you, then so be it. We had some good times, hell, the best of times, and you know it, but the way you have all treated me when I needed you the most, piss on you to! Never in my worst thoughts ever could I imagine seeing where you would all end up, I hate hating you all, but I am not caving in. I missed you all, but now I am done. I have made my mistakes and faced my inner demons, and I have moved on. So if you continue to sit there and judge me for what I have done wrong in my life, may I remind you of where you have been and who was there to carry you when you needed a friend to hold your hand and walk side by side with you through the darkness. When you ran away from home, who housed you? When your mother died, who was at your funeral and held you while you cried? When you confessed to me that your father died in fire and that you were molested, who was there to catch more of your tears? When there was no hope and you lost another close friend, who was there to tell you that I was here for you? Who walked through the negative 15 degree weather just to see if you were okay because you missed school, I WAS! I may have not always been there, but I tried at least, yet I was selfish? I have places and people I need to be with besides your ass all the time! I was selfish for not being selfish. I ditched so many others to be with you, but in the end it was not enough. I poured my heart out for you and the world, fuck it, I ripped it to shreds! I made you laugh at the best of times just to see you smile, I cheered you up and loved watching you all laugh as if life were only a dream, did I care that I looked like a complete idiot? NO! I was your friend dammit! Friends do stupid things for other friends to cheer them up, its called giving a shit! And that was all that mattered to me. I did some right things for the wrong reasons, yet I have no regrets. I forgave you for all the skeletons that you left in your closet. I forgave you when you have done some horrible things and I was still always there. I may have never always agreed with you but we are individuals, people are allowed to have different views and opinions, and if not, so screw me over? For what greater good? Where did it get you? If you matured after leaving me I could understand and that loosing our friendship was not a complete and utter loss. Yet, I don't sit in front of you everyday to give you dirty glances from across the room, I sit here to show you how much I have changed, yet to know that I am singled out and still considered immature by you, whose the bigger, better, more mature person in the end? I don't need you, I don't need any of you anymore if that's how its gonna be. I'll totally drop the fact that you never stole anything, that you have never cheated, ran away, or lied either, and that you're God's image of the perfect well rounded children he intended you to be. I beat myself up for my mistakes and as long as I don't do anything like that again then why does it have to be this way? I never crucified you for the things you have done yet you blame this all on me? I was a child, I was immature, I was depressed, I was in hell, and you never did anything to help. I cried for days, I cried for weeks, months, no one listened to me, so what kind of friends are you? Part of me says that I cannot blame you because there is no way you could understand the pain I felt for the longest time because who knows if you have ever been put through what I went through, but I showed you all sympathy and hope, how come I gained nothing in return from you? You preach of how I never tried, well you were blind, you all were. It was always about you, yet when I had something important to say, it never mattered?! So who the hell are you to tell me I am the worst friend ever? I don't need you, not anymore, I have people in my life that actually listen to me and cherish me for what I am and how I live my life the way I choose to everyday. I have gained more responsibility, I am glad no one hands things to me anymore, I pave my own way through every situation ON MY OWN! I may have a broken heart in the end, but over time it will heal itself, at least I have the heart to forgive and forget and move on with my life, because happiness and peace is more important to me than holding grudges or judging other people based on what they have done or how they have lived. The point is, it was in the past, you need to all grow up and look past things and give people a chance. There is only so many chances you can give I understand, but I never gave up on you.
From what I have learned in my life, from what I have forced myself to deal with, I have learned one of the greatest lessons anyone could have ever taught me. I have learned that no matter what you do in life, all of the screw ups, the pain, the good times, the bad times, the worst of times, any fucking time in your life, a moment that meant something to your vital existence, a friend is someone who will stand by your side through thick and thin and help you through everything. They listen, they give advice, they cry with you, laugh, do stupid shit with you, support you, tell you how it is, argue with you, everything, and if they are still there in the end when all is lost, that is a true friend.
Rage Essay
DE English II
9-14-10
Perfectly Content
Those people sicken me, they are hypocritical, they sit here and portray this image of the perfect child, yet I know what they do with their lives once they are imperceptible from public viewing. Lying, cheating, stealing, gossiping, they never needed me in their lives, or so they preach, and I never needed them apparently. They were my best friends, the only thing besides my family that I ever truly ever gave a shit about, but in the end, loosing them was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me.
I have grown rather fond of rage over the past few years of my high school career. It has empowered me, made my skin a little thicker, made my heart beat slower and deeper. I have found the very fuel that pushes me to do better everyday. Although rage is not merely the only emotion that runs in and out of my life, it is just one of the most important ones I deal with everyday. This constant battle with myself and trying to become close with other people again, is very difficult. In the end, I could be close to someone, yet I will not claim them as a quote on quote, best friend or BFF. After everything I have gone through in the past few years, I trust, not even a handful of people. My hearts been broken too many times, the pieces shatter more and more before they get a chance to even rebuild themselves, so now I built walls surrounding my heart, protecting it, guarding it from any certain harm. I may have more friends than I could deal with now then ever had before, but I am afraid that once I graduate, I will leave everyone for a better life somewhere else. To be honest I was hoping that when I graduated I would be blessed just to have one best friend to talk to out of high school, but now I am afraid that that is never going to happen now. My rage, my hatred, and my thanks to those of you who have helped me realize who I am and have helped molded me over the years, here is a little shout out to you!
I'm going to dig deep into my heart and find the worst of me. All of my agony, suffering, rage, sorrow, and cruelty will be released from me, and onto this genuine snow white paper. I've always been an extremely temperamental person, if there were only more words I could use to describe the anger I feel inside, I'd inscribe them all. I hate you, I hate you with every inch of my very being imaginable. I never thought in a million years would I be betrayed by you four people. Say that I have issues and that I am immature, fine I will ignore the fact that I am only human. Say that I meant nothing to you, then so be it. We had some good times, hell, the best of times, and you know it, but the way you have all treated me when I needed you the most, piss on you to! Never in my worst thoughts ever could I imagine seeing where you would all end up, I hate hating you all, but I am not caving in. I missed you all, but now I am done. I have made my mistakes and faced my inner demons, and I have moved on. So if you continue to sit there and judge me for what I have done wrong in my life, may I remind you of where you have been and who was there to carry you when you needed a friend to hold your hand and walk side by side with you through the darkness. When you ran away from home, who housed you? When your mother died, who was at your funeral and held you while you cried? When you confessed to me that your father died in fire and that you were molested, who was there to catch more of your tears? When there was no hope and you lost another close friend, who was there to tell you that I was here for you? Who walked through the negative 15 degree weather just to see if you were okay because you missed school, I WAS! I may have not always been there, but I tried at least, yet I was selfish? I have places and people I need to be with besides your ass all the time! I was selfish for not being selfish. I ditched so many others to be with you, but in the end it was not enough. I poured my heart out for you and the world, fuck it, I ripped it to shreds! I made you laugh at the best of times just to see you smile, I cheered you up and loved watching you all laugh as if life were only a dream, did I care that I looked like a complete idiot? NO! I was your friend dammit! Friends do stupid things for other friends to cheer them up, its called giving a shit! And that was all that mattered to me. I did some right things for the wrong reasons, yet I have no regrets. I forgave you for all the skeletons that you left in your closet. I forgave you when you have done some horrible things and I was still always there. I may have never always agreed with you but we are individuals, people are allowed to have different views and opinions, and if not, so screw me over? For what greater good? Where did it get you? If you matured after leaving me I could understand and that loosing our friendship was not a complete and utter loss. Yet, I don't sit in front of you everyday to give you dirty glances from across the room, I sit here to show you how much I have changed, yet to know that I am singled out and still considered immature by you, whose the bigger, better, more mature person in the end? I don't need you, I don't need any of you anymore if that's how its gonna be. I'll totally drop the fact that you never stole anything, that you have never cheated, ran away, or lied either, and that you're God's image of the perfect well rounded children he intended you to be. I beat myself up for my mistakes and as long as I don't do anything like that again then why does it have to be this way? I never crucified you for the things you have done yet you blame this all on me? I was a child, I was immature, I was depressed, I was in hell, and you never did anything to help. I cried for days, I cried for weeks, months, no one listened to me, so what kind of friends are you? Part of me says that I cannot blame you because there is no way you could understand the pain I felt for the longest time because who knows if you have ever been put through what I went through, but I showed you all sympathy and hope, how come I gained nothing in return from you? You preach of how I never tried, well you were blind, you all were. It was always about you, yet when I had something important to say, it never mattered?! So who the hell are you to tell me I am the worst friend ever? I don't need you, not anymore, I have people in my life that actually listen to me and cherish me for what I am and how I live my life the way I choose to everyday. I have gained more responsibility, I am glad no one hands things to me anymore, I pave my own way through every situation ON MY OWN! I may have a broken heart in the end, but over time it will heal itself, at least I have the heart to forgive and forget and move on with my life, because happiness and peace is more important to me than holding grudges or judging other people based on what they have done or how they have lived. The point is, it was in the past, you need to all grow up and look past things and give people a chance. There is only so many chances you can give I understand, but I never gave up on you.
From what I have learned in my life, from what I have forced myself to deal with, I have learned one of the greatest lessons anyone could have ever taught me. I have learned that no matter what you do in life, all of the screw ups, the pain, the good times, the bad times, the worst of times, any fucking time in your life, a moment that meant something to your vital existence, a friend is someone who will stand by your side through thick and thin and help you through everything. They listen, they give advice, they cry with you, laugh, do stupid shit with you, support you, tell you how it is, argue with you, everything, and if they are still there in the end when all is lost, that is a true friend.
